


The Last Time That You Touched Me

by erigeron (lazygaze)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, I wrote and published this before chapter 394 so pretend Sakusa and Komori aren't related lmao, M/M, Past Sakusa Kiyoomi/Komori Motoya, Touch Aversion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24191818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazygaze/pseuds/erigeron
Summary: Sakusa Kiyoomi doesn’t belong in relationships. How a certain blonde teammate managed to convince him otherwise, he wasn’t completely sure.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 12
Kudos: 164





	The Last Time That You Touched Me

Sakusa Kiyoomi doesn’t belong in relationships. The boy learned this fact for himself before he had even graduated high school.

Late nights after well fought games always ended with Sakusa in Komori’s bed. These nights were reserved for the two of them to lie together, to share secrets and stories, with neither boy daring to get too close.

“I want to touch you,” was a common line Sakusa would mutter out during these moments, and Komori would just look at him with a small, somber smile, answering with a simple “I know.”

These were the nights that Komori would whisper empty promises of endless love.

Komori was Sakusa’s first boyfriend, though Sakusa wasn’t his. Sakusa truly loved him; he was the only one who didn’t take his intimidating and emotionless demeanor as a sign of impertinence, but as a result of fear. He loved how Komori looked at him with nothing but warmth and a complete lack of judgement, how he wasn’t embarrassed by telling people he was dating the kid who didn’t have any friends, and how he didn’t laugh at him for his tendencies to brush his teeth after every snack or wear his face mask a little more often than most. 

Komori knew of Sakusa’s blatant dislike for touch. During his first time trying to initiate physicality with his boyfriend by simply resting an arm over his shoulders, Sakusa could feel the shivers going up his spine as his body became overdriven with anxiety. He reached up and threw Komori’s arm off. 

That was the first time Sakusa had ever touched him. Neither boy said a word to each other the rest of the day. 

After that, Komori was careful when trying to attempt anything physical. When Sakusa would shy away from the slight touches he tried to give, he tried not to let it get to him; he would just give Sakusa a slight smile and a “whenever you’re ready.” 

It’s not like Sakusa didn’t want to touch Komori. Boy, did he want to touch Komori. He _wanted_ to hold him and kiss him and let him lean his head on his shoulder. It was easy to fantasize about showering his boy with affection. He daydreamed countless times of what it would be like to run his fingers through his hair or touch his cheek, and sleepless nights seemed to be made specifically for thoughts of touching him everywhere else. When it came to acting upon these desires, however, Sakusa couldn’t bring himself to do it. When he was actually there, sitting next to him on the bus or on the benches of the locker room, wanting so desperately to just reach out and lay his own hand atop the others, he couldn’t do it. It was like his hand was paralyzed there, and no amount of mental willingness would give himself permission to touch his own boyfriend. 

It didn’t help that Komori was one of those people who craved physical affection like it was a necessity for survival. Sakusa could tell; he was always leaning his head against another teammate on the bus, throwing his arms around someone's shoulders, giving out high fives without any thought of when the last time the recipient had washed their hands. As much as Sakusa loved him, he wasn’t able to make the relationship last. It took him too long to touch Komori, and so the latter broke it off.

He tried explaining to Sakusa that it wasn’t anything to do with him, that they were inevitably going to break up anyway when they went their separate ways after high school. But Sakusa knew that wasn’t the real reason, and it kind of pissed him off that Komori would just lie to him like that. But maybe it was better that Komori didn’t outright say “I’m breaking up with you because it’s been months and you can’t even hold my goddamn hand.” Maybe that would be too much.

After the breakup, school started to feel like it did when he initially arrived as a first year. He was back to staying silent the whole school day aside from a few “here!”s he’d call out to Iizuna during volleyball practice. He avoided looking at Komori as best he could, knowing that as soon as he looked at him, he would feel his heart break all over again. He started to eat lunch and walk home alone. He was just as lonely as before he had met Komori, and the hardest part for Sakusa was that it all could have been avoided if he hadn’t developed such a stubborn and frustrating mental block when it came to physicality. 

The two never saw each other again after graduation. Sakusa would continue to think of Komori often, getting distressed when he would reminisce about his lost first love, wondering if somewhere in a parallel universe, they were spending a late night together, Sakusa touching him in all the ways he wishes he could have before. 

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Sakusa Kiyoomi doesn’t belong in relationships. The man himself knew it better than anyone else. So, when the oh so exuberant Bokuto Koutarou revealed Atsumu’s growing crush on him, he couldn’t help but feel like life had just slapped him in the face.

Bokuto and Sakusa were always the last of the pack to leave the locker room after practice. Sakusa had his intricate shower routine to thank for that. God knows what Bokuto was doing in there for it to always take him so long. 

“K’YOMIIIII!” Bokuto shouted, stepping out of the showers and slipping on the water he always failed to clean up, yet managing to catch himself before he fell.

“What do you want?” Sakusa snapped, already in the middle of changing. Bokuto and Sakusa weren’t particularly close, so they didn’t usually exchange many words past idle small talk. Sakusa never enjoyed small talk, especially with Bokuto.

“Do you want to know a secret?” Bokuto cheerfully asked as he bounced on his toes. Before Sakusa could reject the question, Bokuto continued on talking.

“Okay well I’m gonna tell you whether you want to hear it or not. I’m like 97.5% sure that Tsum Tsum has a crush on you! Oh but you can’t tell him I told you. He said not to tell anyone and I told him I wouldn’t tell but I just _had_ to tell you because I just _know_ ‘Tsumu wouldn’t tell you himself because he ‘doesn’t want anything to get in the way of the team’ or whatever but I thought that you might return the feelings and if you did it would be _so_ cute if you guys got together. Like, it kinda reminds me of when Akaashi and I were on the same team together and we flirted all the time and it really annoyed everyone else on the team but-”  
  
“Stop talking.”  
  
Sakusa had finished changing and was now turned to Bokuto, piercing his dark eyes into Bokuto’s golden ones. Bokuto gave a small pout and slightly slouched in on himself from the sudden serious atmosphere. 

Sakusa didn’t find any of this funny. He’d been humiliated like this before, when a peer in junior high had ran up and “confessed” that they knew someone who had a crush on him, but ended the conversation proclaiming “it was a dare!” and running away giggling. 

But Bokuto wasn’t the type to lie, and it’s not like they were close enough for this to be some kind of rude joke, but he sure as hell knew Atsumu didn’t have a crush on _him_. The two weren’t exactly each other's biggest fans. Atsumu always made snarky remarks when Sakusa’s serves went out of bounds, Sakusa rolled his eyes whenever Atsumu laughed too loud, Atsumu was always trying to sneak up on Sakusa and touch his neck just to laugh at the swift dodge Sakusa never failed to do just in time, upon many other signs that showed the two’s clear dislike for one another. Atsumu must have said something that Bokuto misunderstood.  
  
Sakusa sighed as he pinched in between his eyes. “What exactly did Miya tell you?”, he asked, wanting the conversation to hurry up and end so he could just get home and take his second shower that wasn’t in a germ infested gymnasium bathroom.

“Oh. Well he’s said a few things at different away matches. We always kinda end up in Shouyou and Shion’s room during those... we don’t try to leave you out or anything! You always go to bed so early and we don’t want to wake you just to hang out with us or anything. Anyway, at first he kinda just said that you were really cute and we were all like ‘what!?” but he brushed it off. And then the next time he said something like how he’d really like to take you out some time but you’re like super intimidating so he was all ‘it’s probably never gonna happen!’ but me and Shouyou were all like ‘dude, you should go for it!’. From there it would just be little things here and then like ‘Omi-kun’s hair looks so soft!’ or ‘I wonder if he has a ton of moles _all_ over his body’. I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same! I really thought you did! Please don’t tell ‘Tsumu I told you though. He’d really kill me!”

Atsumu was annoying. He was loud and cocky and rude and probably was one of those guys that didn’t wash their hands after using the bathroom. Sakusa loathed him, yet he couldn’t stop the slight flutter of his heart at the thought of anyone taking a romantic interest in him, even someone like Atsumu. He felt similar feelings when Komori had asked him out for the first time, feelings that eventually led him to experience what love was and what it was like to care so deeply for someone, and dammit if Sakusa didn’t miss calling someone his own. 

But those feelings also led to the most unbearable heartbreak. It led to years of pain that still stung no matter how hard he tried to ignore it. Sakusa refused to indulge in any glimmer of hope he may have gotten upon hearing the booming voice of Bokuto Koutarou claim that Miya Atsumu had a crush on him. First of all, Sakusa didn’t have any feelings related to Atsumu that weren’t negative other than him being mildly attractive; he would have gotten hopeful no matter what the name was that Bokuto had said. Besides, there was no way Atsumu would actually continue harboring these feelings when he really got to know Sakusa, and in the off chance that his romantic infatuation continued, it's not like Sakusa would ever be able to make the relationship work anyway, and he’d be a fool to try to ignore that fact.

“’Kusa? You okay dude?” Bokuto broke the silence softly, sensing the inner turmoil happening inside Sakusa. 

Sakusa tried to repress any longing obtained from the current conversation with his boisterous teammate and replied to Bokuto in a way that made him hope he’d never have to hear anything about Atsumu’s feelings again: “It was late. All of you probably get delirious and say some things that are stupid. Don’t take everything so seriously, Bokuto.”  
  
By the time Bokuto went to reply, Sakusa had already grabbed his stuff and was scurrying out the door, leaving the other pouting in his absence. 

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Learning just a bit of new information about a person can be enough to change your entire perspective on them, like when you learn the high school bully has a terrible home life, your congenial classmate has actually been talking about you behind your back, or, in Sakusa’s case, your arrogant teammate has a crush on you. Unfortunately for Sakusa, his view of Atsumu as just another smug volleyball player started to falter due to the new information Bokuto enthusiastically provided him.

He wasn’t blind, he knew Atsumu was one of the more attractive people in the volleyball league, and clearly had one of the largest fan bases too. It was a definite ego boost to Sakusa to think that someone like him, no matter how annoying or cocky, took a liking to him. He became more aware of Atsumu’s presence and started to notice how the smoothness in his voice would slightly crack when he’d talk to Sakusa. He was also far more conscious of the heavy weight of the look Atsumu would send into his back when Sakusa wasn’t looking.

In hindsight, a confession from Atsumu shouldn’t have been as shocking as it was.

Yet there he was, staring at Atsumu wide-eyed in the gym after staying late for extra practice, listening to Atsumu wrap up his speech declaring his feelings.  
  
“... I guess I just really like ya. And it’s totally cool if you don’t feel the same way or whatever, just thought I should tell ya ‘cause Bokkun said I’d regret it if I never did, and I kinda get what he was sayin, ya know?”

Atsumu looked at him with something difficult to pinpoint. It wasn’t pain or hurt, but… insecurity.  
  
Sakusa wanted so desperately to feel what it was like to be loved again. He wanted to stay up late, talking and giggling with a newfound lover like he had once experienced. He wanted more than anything to be able to learn what another man's skin felt like against his own. But he knew that returning feelings for Atsumu meant getting attached, meeting his family, learning everything about him, then refusing to touch him, trying to salvage a relationship off of emotional connection, and inevitable heartbreak.

Sakusa smirked and let out a huff before replying. He spoke to the floor rather than looking at Atsumu’s face. “Gross. Don’t joke about things like that.”

Sakusa couldn’t bring himself to look back up at Atsumu. He gathered his things and left Atsumu standing there, just like he had left Bokuto a few weeks prior.

As soon as the gym doors closed behind him, Sakusa sprinted so fast that his heart started to feel like it would give out at any second. His calves burned and his lungs could hardly keep up, begging him to slow down to catch his breath. He was sweating profusely, something he would normally detest but he was so desperate to get back to his apartment and away from Miya Atsumu as fast as possible that it didn’t matter. 

He rushed to the bathroom as soon as he closed his door and showered with as much force as he could muster, scrubbing his body so intensely with the bar of soap like he was trying to scrub away his touch aversion all together. When he dried off, his skin was cracked and itchy, and then he proceeded to itch at his skin until it hurt too much to continue, trying to rid his body of his fear of physical contact that carried with it so much agony. 

This used to be a familiar routine for Sakusa, yet he hadn’t done it for years. It was something he often found himself doing when he was still with Komori.

Komori. When Sakusa got into bed that night, his head couldn’t stop itself from flooding images of the youthful brunette in his mind when they were happy together, when he would always try to assure Sakusa that everything was going to be okay, that he wasn’t strange for not wanting to touch anyone.

Sakusa groaned and put his hands over his face. He wondered what Komori was like now. He had probably graduated college at this point. Maybe he’s at some graduate school for philosophy or chemistry or history or any of the other subjects he was always way too passionate about. Maybe he had a new boyfriend, and perhaps he was like Sakusa. Maybe he, too, had curly black hair and dark eyes and a quiet demeanor that only Komori could break. But this new boyfriend probably touched him, held him on bad days, kissed his cheek after sweaty practices, and threaded their fingers together under the covers during nights reserved for the two of them.

Sakusa didn’t want to live a life alone. He wanted to have a companion by his side who would make him laugh uncharacteristically loud and look at him the way Komori used to. The pain in his chest was unbearable, even compared to his intense run home. All he wanted at this point was to get to sleep so his self-pitying could be put to rest.

Perhaps in a parallel universe, where Sakusa was as adamant about touching as he wished he could be, he had accepted Atsumu’s confession. With that final thought, Sakusa drifted into slumber.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

As the days went on, practices became more awkward. The two boys completely ignored each other for days on end, neither boy wanting to relive the discomfort of the night Atsumu confessed. That was, up until Atsumu decided to break the silence one day after catching up with Sakusa outside the gym.

“Omi-kun, lemme talk to ya real quick,” he called out, opening up their first conversation in weeks as he jogged towards Sakusa.

Sakusa was annoyed. He was perfectly fine with simply ignoring Atsumu’s existence for the rest of time until he finally was able to have a good night's rest again, but Atsumu was ruining those plans. 

“Why won’t ya go on a date with me?” Atsumu asked.

“Because I don’t like you,” Sakusa snapped back.

“Now, that’s just not true,” Atsumu replied as he caught up with Sakusa, finally walking next to him.

“And what makes you say that?”  
  
“Everyone likes me,” Atsumu snickered.

With that Sakusa picked up his pace and started to speed walk away from Atsumu. He was _not_ going to let Atsumu convince him to take him out, not after he spent the past few nights convincing himself as to why that would be an awful idea.

“Omiomi! Wait! Alright alright, I’m kidding, Jeez!” he yelled out as he caught up with the other once again. “But seriously. I know you don’t, like, _totally_ dislike me. I mean, c’mon, if you actually had absolutely zero feelings for me, you woulda poked fun at me for totally embarrassin’ myself like that the other day because, ya know, yer a real jerk. But ya decided to totally ignore me all together! Dammit Omi-kun, you hardly even make eye contact! Not that I would enjoy you openin’ yer mouth to make fun of me instead, but it’s still weird for you to just not bring it up again at all! So why is that, if you don’t like me at least a little bit.”

Sakusa wanted to run again, but he couldn’t. Rather, he stopped walking all together, feeling paralyzed in his tracks just like he always did whenever he wanted to reach out and touch Komori but didn’t allow himself to.

Atsumu stopped walking as well. “...are ya scared?” he asked, voice hardly above a whisper.

“No! Why would I be scared of you?” Sakusa replied.

“Not _of_ me! But of _dating_ me! Look, I’m scared of it changing the way the team works too, but we’ll never know if it’ll actually make us suck or not unless we try, ya know! And, if it does affect the team, then we can always end things or whatever. It doesn’t have to be that serious.”  
  
Atsumu wasn’t wrong about Sakusa being scared of dating him, but he definitely got the reason for the fear completely off. He wasn’t scared of their relationship harming the team, he was scared of its inevitable failure making his mental state even worse than it already was.

“C’mon Omi-kun, let me take you out. Just once. And if you hate it, that's cool. We don’t ever have to bring it up again. But I really really do like you. Plus, you gotta be lonely living in that apartment of yers all by yourself. So, what's the harm?”

Alright, so maybe Sakusa _was_ going to let Atsumu convince him to take him out. He wanted to decline the offer. Everything in him was screaming at him to decline the offer. He’d spent literal _weeks_ thinking about how bad it would be if he found himself blindly walking into another relationship. But somehow, this time, his longing for a partner outweighed his knowledge that it would never work out.

“One date. If it sucks, then I’m telling the tabloids.”

And with that, Atsumu broke out into the biggest and most sincere smile Sakusa had ever seen on him. “I’ll text ya tonight.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

The two walked beside each other in silence at a park nearby the team’s gym. Going for a walk in the park seemed like a chill first date where neither party had to spend any money, and they could use the opportunity to learn more about each other, if they actually managed to hold a conversation. Atsumu had tried to talk to Sakusa, saying things like “ya looked good in practice today, you’ve actually started putting in effort, huh?” and “I think my brother is dating this guy from my high school, they’re always hangin’ out but he won’t tell me anything”, but Sakusa’s responses would typically be so brief that it was difficult to keep a conversation going. 

Sakusa was tense. He hadn’t been on a date since high school and being on one now with Atsumu of all people was never something he could have predicted. The date wasn’t necessarily bad per say; the scenery was quite nice, and it gave Sakusa something to look at and distract himself from the silence whenever it became a bit too uncomfortable. When he would sneak a glance at the blonde walking next to him, though, he seemed unfazed by the silence, perhaps even taking comfort in it, which made Sakusa feel better. _At least I don’t have to worry about entertaining him if he’s gonna enjoy himself no matter what._

“Do you wanna come over?” Atsumu asked, face screwed up into a suggestive smirk. 

“Absolutely not.” 

Atsumu chuckled under his breath, turning his head to face forward instead of at Sakusa. “That’s cool.”

Sakusa’s eyebrows knitted together in shock. He figured that Atsumu would try to sleep with him, that much didn’t come as a surprise (he was notorious for fooling around with fans after every match), he just hadn’t expected Atsumu to be so chill with the idea of someone not wanting to have sex with him after taking them out, but Atsumu probably wasn’t expecting anything from Sakusa anyway.

Atsumu seemed to come with a lot of surprises, because Sakusa also didn’t expect to be asked out by him again and again.

Sakusa Kiyoomi doesn’t belong in relationships, but Miya Atsumu hadn’t learned that yet. He would take Sakusa out more and more, and Sakusa’s plan of avoiding relationships seemed to stray further and further away.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Post-practice walks became less awkward as they became more frequent. They still didn’t talk too much more than before, but Sakusa felt his initial discomfort subside the more time he spent with Atsumu. Having someone want to continue to spend time with him without him having to say much or provide something he didn’t want to was enough to make Sakusa feel more at ease. Atsumu used these quiet walks to strategize about how he was going to progress to a very crucial step in his relationship with Sakusa: the intimate act of hand holding.

Atsumu wasn’t dumb. Everyone was aware that Sakusa was uncomfortable with the idea of touching; it wasn’t exactly a hard fact to figure out, which is why he came prepared. 

It was seven P.M. The boys were walking the on the dirt path in their usual park when the familiar silence that engulfed the two was interrupted by Atsumu letting out the terrifying question.

“Is it alright if I hold yer hand, maybe?”

Sakusa’s eyes forbid him from looking anywhere but the ground in front of him as he brought his right hand up to rub feverishly against the nape of his neck while the other was planted firmly by his side. He was nervous.

“Don’t feel like ya hafta just because I asked, I assumed it wouldn’t be your kinda thing anyway. But on the off chance ya did say yes, I uh, brought some hand sanitizer with me. I thought that might make ya feel better, or something.”

“I do want to hold your hand.”

Atsumu hadn’t noticed amidst his rambling, but Sakusa had stopped walking. He turned around in his place to meet eyes with Sakusa, eyes wide open like he had seen something he wasn’t meant to.

“Ya sure?”  
  
Sakusa walked up to meet him. “Where is it?”

Atsumu looked at Sakusa with confusion before realizing what he meant. He slung his gym bag off his back and unzipped the front pocket, taking out a travel sized bottle of unopened hand sanitizer. 

“Put it on.”

Atsumu’s eyebrows raised, surprised that Sakusa seemed to be taking the idea of touching him quite well. “Say when,” he said as he ripped off the plastic and clicked open the cap.

After a more than generous amount of the clear liquid had been squeezed into his left hand, Sakusa muttered out a quiet “when.”

Atsumu’s eyes looked up to reach Sakusa’s face, closing the lid of the bottle and reaching around with his right hand to put it back in his bag. He started to rub it in, eyes staying locked on Sakusa, who was adamantly watching the other rub his hands together before saying “stop”.

Atsumu’s hands froze. A fair amount of the sanitizer still wasn’t fully soaked in. 

“Here,” Sakusa said as he slowly brought his hands out in front of him. “Do mine now.”

Atsumu’s brows knitted together, wondering what Sakusa was getting at. Sakusa nodded his head towards his hands in a quick motion, frustrated that Atsumu wasn’t getting it over with already. 

“Oh,” Atsumu muttered, finally understanding what it was he was supposed to be doing. He reached down, slowly grabbed both of Sakusa’s wrists with his wet hands and started to rub his hands with Sakusa’s. When their hands became dry, he hesitantly interlaced the fingers of his right hand with Sakusa’s left and placed them back down by his side. They continued their walk staring at the ground, fingers interlocked, neither boy saying anything out of fear of ruining the soft atmosphere they had created. 

With a quick glance cast to Sakusa, Atsumu couldn’t exactly make out a smile, but his brows weren’t as furrowed as they typically were, and his face wasn’t contorted into its usual scowl. He looked content.

Atsumu smiled to himself softly before looking back at the dirt path in front of him. He supposed he was pretty content too.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Since then, physical affection became something that still felt significantly uncomfortable, but not totally unbearable for Sakusa. 

Touching Atsumu wasn’t too bad. It mostly consisted of Atsumu asking if he could touch the other, if he could hold his hand during subsequent park dates or give him a short hug after greeting him at his doorstep. Sakusa would let him, though he never asked for the romantic gestures himself. 

He felt really good when touching Atsumu, but not because he genuinely wanted to be touching him; Rather, he got excited about diminishing his fear of touching another person and hoped that he would eventually be able to eradicate it for good.

When Sakusa allowed Atsumu to rest his head on his shoulder, he couldn’t help but think about how five years ago, he would have never done this with Komori. It was exhilarating knowing the reason for his failed relationship was slowly starting to no longer pose a threat.

But slight touches here and there are completely different from acts of real passionate affection. They were different from kissing and everything that advanced from it. There were no barriers to hide behind in kissing, no layers of clothes or excess sanitizer on skin, just tongues pressed against each other and trust that the other had decent oral hygiene. 

When Atsumu told Sakusa that he wanted to kiss him, it didn’t come with any shock. It did, however, come with a lot of dread.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Staying over at Sakusa’s apartment was a regular occurrence for Atsumu. He had his own place that he shared with Osamu, and although he and his brother had grown closer since high school, he would still rather hang around Sakusa.

The television in Sakusa’s bedroom was currently playing a movie that neither party was paying attention to. They never actually watched the TV when it was on, it was always simply used as background noise while the two sat on opposing ends of the bed talking.

They had talked about everything in this room. Atsumu had told Sakusa about the tremendous strain competitive volleyball put on his relationship with Osamu in high school. Sakusa talked about how, despite being a top tier wing spiker in high school, his life during that time was actually pretty shitty. They also talked about lighter topics, like new volleyball plays they wanted to try or gossip about their other teammates. 

But today wasn’t about revealing past relationships or talking about volleyball. Today Atsumu, only a few short minutes after he sat in his designated spot on the bed, looked Sakusa dead in the eye and said “Y’know Omi-kun, I’d really like to kiss ya,” and Sakusa didn’t know what to do. 

This situation was something he knew would come up eventually, yet he always shoved all thoughts of it happening to the back of his head. But now that the situation had presented itself, he was completely unprepared for it.

Now here he was, dreading two things at once: locking lips with his Atsumu, and the possibility of losing him if he didn't.

Atsumu wasn’t one to push too much. He didn’t push his luck when Sakusa shot down the offer of coming over to Atsumu’s place the first time they hung out, and he was always pretty respectful of his boundaries, making sure to ask before he touched. He probably would take it just fine if Sakusa said he didn’t want to kiss him. But he had already lost Komori, someone who had given Sakusa so much just to take it all back, leaving him with only a lingering pain. Losing someone who he had become so close to for a second time was heartbreaking just to think about. He couldn’t let himself lose a relationship like this again. So, he took a deep breath in an attempt to release some of the tension in his body, and replied “yeah, I’d like to kiss you too.” 

It wasn’t necessarily a lie. He did want to kiss him and enjoy doing so. This want of kissing another had been overshadowed by disgust and fear for so long, and Sakusa was sick of it. He was sick of obsessing over touch and of thinking about his failed relationship due to it. He was sick of feeling so abnormal, like he was lacking something in his life that others got so much joy from. 

He was determined to kiss Atsumu. Before he could let his fear get to him and lead him to the same fate it did with Komori, he managed to scoot himself to Atsumu’s side of the bed before awkwardly placing both hands on either side of Atsumu’s face. The blonde’s eyes widened in surprise, not expecting Sakusa to take any initiative in this aspect of their relationship. His face quickly lost its mark of disbelief and fell into a familiar lazy smile.

Before Atsumu could lose himself in the feeling of Sakusa’s hands on his face and his eyes filled with want, Atsumu whispered “you can lean in whenever ya want to. I don’t want to pressure ya.”

Before he could allow any second thoughts to enter his head, Sakusa quickly closed the gap between them.

Sakusa had always thought that as soon as he indulged in a kiss, everything would fall into place. His fear of physicality would suddenly be cast away as he fully embraced the world of touch and lost all of his hesitancy towards it. 

He was left underwhelmed. The slight press of lips together wasn’t _bad_ , but it was just alright. Sakusa felt okay about it. _Well, these are definitely a pair of lips against mine,_ he thought _._

He let his eyes shut and his hands fall from Atsumu’s face to around his neck, mind searching for something to distract him from the slight discomfort the kiss was bringing him. 

Unfortunately, nothing could distract him from the lick placed upon his lips just a few seconds later.

Sakusa’s eyes snapped open but he didn’t pull himself away. He knew what was coming next, and he wanted so badly to enjoy it, despite that far too loud part of his mind yelling at him about how gross he would be if he let himself give into something so disgusting. _Christ Kiyoomi, it’s just a_ kiss, _get over yourself. Everyone does it. It’s not the_ most _disgusting thing that could be in your mouth._

In a moment of bravery, Sakusa allowed himself to tentatively open his mouth, to which Atsumu responded by pressing his tongue into it with a muffled hum. Sakusa’s thoughts kept him from any sort of pleasure. 

Atsumu wasn’t just touching him on the surface now, he was literally inside of him, and they were exchanging each other’s saliva and bacteria and cheek cells and oh god Atsumu probably didn’t brush his teeth after the last time he ate and dammit wasn’t this supposed to feel good?

Sakusa broke the kiss, throwing his head in his hands to avoid eye contact. He was so embarrassing. After all these years, he still couldn’t do it. All the progress he felt like he had made no longer mattered to him anymore. He still couldn’t kiss the boy he liked without forcing himself to, and he didn’t even enjoy it. _That’s not what kissing is supposed to be like,_ he thought. _How pathetic._  
  
“Kiyoomi.”

Sakusa looked up at a blurry Atsumu. _Am I crying?_

“Jesus Omi-kun, ya don’t have to cry about it! I’m sorry, I got a little carried away there, heh. I really shouldn’t have done that. I know you’re like, sensitive about that kind of stuff. We can wait till yer ready ya know!”

Atsumu tried to keep things light and positive, but he wasn’t fooling anyone. He had that same insecure look on his face as when he confessed his crush to Sakusa under the gymnasium lights. This was the last thing Sakusa wanted: to make Atsumu feel like he wasn’t good enough or sexy enough for Sakusa to want to kiss him like a normal partner would. 

His tears picked up their pace, hot and heavy as they streamed quickly down his face. He knew he was never going to be ready.

“Kiyoomi, can I hold ya?”

Sakusa just nodded, still avoiding eye contact as much as possible, as he allowed himself to be held by Atsumu. This was something he would never have allowed himself to do months ago, but it didn’t matter. Touch aversion is a huge beast, and although he could knock it down sometimes with a hand held or a tight hug, it wasn’t going to go away. 

Sakusa Kiyoomi doesn’t belong in relationships.


End file.
